Post by Aylenni on Feb 18, 2011 16:57:18 GMT -5
Hey guys! I wrote this earlier and I was thinking of finding a writing contest and submitting it, but before I do I want some second and third and fourth and so on opinions. If you guys could critique this, let me know what you like and what needs changing, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks for looking, ever'body!
A Teenager’s Dream
Sometimes I dream of a boxing ring
All alone in the darkness of the world.
I’m sitting in my corner, fresh and strong and ready to fight.
Around me there’s nothing but flashes and shouts.
“Fight” yells the crowd, and I wait for the bell.
In the other corner there’s always a person.
Sometimes they’re black, sometimes they’re white.
Sometimes they’re tall, sometimes they’re short or wide or thin.
But they’re always lightning fast and strong like a bull and I can’t see their face.
And hitting them always hurts me more than them.
And we wait for the bell, and we sit and we stare
And then something shifts and the world turns sideways
And the bell rings and it cuts clean through the sky
And we both get up and we’re ready to fight.
And I know in one moment I’ll take every hit, hard.
And then there’s nothing else but the fight
Nothing else exists but this grapple, this struggle
I’m punching and kicking, scratching and biting
There are no rules in this fight of my dreams
Regardless, I break them all.
When the bells rings again and we both sit back down
They have to tear us apart, we’re so locked in the battle.
I feel pretty good, because I gave what I got
I feel like I’m taking them down when I go.
I feel like I’m finally holding my own.
There’s bruises and scrapes all over my body
Something’s broken inside, I’m not working right
But I’m still in the contest, so it doesn’t matter.
I’m still on my feet, I have strength in me yet
And they don’t look so hot, either, so I can be proud.
But something is wrong.
Something doesn’t make sense.
Even for a dream it doesn’t make sense
And I feel so confused, so broken, so lost,
Because this shouldn’t be happening.
Sweat pours down my back and mingles with blood
I’m cold and I’m hot and I’m dry and I’m wet
All at once, it’s too much, I can’t take it, it hurts.
My energy leaves me, I can’t stand, I can’t breathe.
Because in that other corner is a face I know.
Not the one I’m fighting, oh, no, not them.
But the one standing by, the one comforting my foe.
I know you, I whisper, but they don’t seem to hear.
My allies, my teammates, my friends, my family.
All in that corner when they should be in mine.
I stand up and shout, but they’re so far away
They can’t hear, or choose not to; they don’t turn around.
And under their care, while I watch, while I listen,
My enemy stands up at full strength and smiles.
The bell rings again.
We charge one another, we wrestle, we stagger
Locked in this battle that never seems to end
But this time it’s different, this time we’re outmatched.
I’m doing my best, and there’s fire in my heart
But I can’t hold my own; I’m losing my ground.
From out of nowhere a fist swings in
I cry out and I crumple, broken, to the mat.
There’s pain everywhere, in my bones, in my blood
In my heart, in my mind, because I just can’t win.
The hits keep on coming, again and again.
What are you doing? I’m finished already!
I sob and I scream but pain chokes off my breath.
And the hits keep on falling, and all I can do
Is writhe on the floor, and wait for an end.
It’s a long time in coming, that end.
And when I wake up, the dream isn’t over.
There’s pain in my heart and my mind and my soul.
I’ve taken each hit, each kick, each bite
Each scratch, every jab and punch and blow
Until all that is left is an empty shell.
I wake from that dream, that horrible place
And I look around me and cry
The dream isn’t over, it’s never complete.
I’m living the dream now, haunted by that scene.
There’s no one in my corner, and everyone in his.
How many people are just like me?
Living the dream of a boxing ring
Fighting each day to keep on their feet
There’s no one in their corners, no one who comforts.
No one who smiles and cheers them on.
No one, that is, except me.
A Teenager’s Dream
Sometimes I dream of a boxing ring
All alone in the darkness of the world.
I’m sitting in my corner, fresh and strong and ready to fight.
Around me there’s nothing but flashes and shouts.
“Fight” yells the crowd, and I wait for the bell.
In the other corner there’s always a person.
Sometimes they’re black, sometimes they’re white.
Sometimes they’re tall, sometimes they’re short or wide or thin.
But they’re always lightning fast and strong like a bull and I can’t see their face.
And hitting them always hurts me more than them.
And we wait for the bell, and we sit and we stare
And then something shifts and the world turns sideways
And the bell rings and it cuts clean through the sky
And we both get up and we’re ready to fight.
And I know in one moment I’ll take every hit, hard.
And then there’s nothing else but the fight
Nothing else exists but this grapple, this struggle
I’m punching and kicking, scratching and biting
There are no rules in this fight of my dreams
Regardless, I break them all.
When the bells rings again and we both sit back down
They have to tear us apart, we’re so locked in the battle.
I feel pretty good, because I gave what I got
I feel like I’m taking them down when I go.
I feel like I’m finally holding my own.
There’s bruises and scrapes all over my body
Something’s broken inside, I’m not working right
But I’m still in the contest, so it doesn’t matter.
I’m still on my feet, I have strength in me yet
And they don’t look so hot, either, so I can be proud.
But something is wrong.
Something doesn’t make sense.
Even for a dream it doesn’t make sense
And I feel so confused, so broken, so lost,
Because this shouldn’t be happening.
Sweat pours down my back and mingles with blood
I’m cold and I’m hot and I’m dry and I’m wet
All at once, it’s too much, I can’t take it, it hurts.
My energy leaves me, I can’t stand, I can’t breathe.
Because in that other corner is a face I know.
Not the one I’m fighting, oh, no, not them.
But the one standing by, the one comforting my foe.
I know you, I whisper, but they don’t seem to hear.
My allies, my teammates, my friends, my family.
All in that corner when they should be in mine.
I stand up and shout, but they’re so far away
They can’t hear, or choose not to; they don’t turn around.
And under their care, while I watch, while I listen,
My enemy stands up at full strength and smiles.
The bell rings again.
We charge one another, we wrestle, we stagger
Locked in this battle that never seems to end
But this time it’s different, this time we’re outmatched.
I’m doing my best, and there’s fire in my heart
But I can’t hold my own; I’m losing my ground.
From out of nowhere a fist swings in
I cry out and I crumple, broken, to the mat.
There’s pain everywhere, in my bones, in my blood
In my heart, in my mind, because I just can’t win.
The hits keep on coming, again and again.
What are you doing? I’m finished already!
I sob and I scream but pain chokes off my breath.
And the hits keep on falling, and all I can do
Is writhe on the floor, and wait for an end.
It’s a long time in coming, that end.
And when I wake up, the dream isn’t over.
There’s pain in my heart and my mind and my soul.
I’ve taken each hit, each kick, each bite
Each scratch, every jab and punch and blow
Until all that is left is an empty shell.
I wake from that dream, that horrible place
And I look around me and cry
The dream isn’t over, it’s never complete.
I’m living the dream now, haunted by that scene.
There’s no one in my corner, and everyone in his.
How many people are just like me?
Living the dream of a boxing ring
Fighting each day to keep on their feet
There’s no one in their corners, no one who comforts.
No one who smiles and cheers them on.
No one, that is, except me.
[M:-222]
